5 Tips from a Psychotherapist to Improve Your Complicated Relationship with Your Mother

While Mother’s Day is a special occasion, the dynamics of the mother-daughter relationship often encompass a wide spectrum of emotions. Author and psychotherapist Hilary Jacobs Hendel shares her insights.

The complexities of mother-daughter relationships are well-known. Almost every woman grapples with conflicting emotions regarding her mother. At the core, there exists a profound sense of love and appreciation. However, these relationships can also be marred by conflict, criticism, longstanding grudges, blame, neglect, guilt, and misunderstandings, leading to feelings of hurt and even extended periods of estrangement.

Mother and daughter arguing — Mother-daughter relationships often involve conflicts that can last for years.

For instance, Courtney faced difficulties in her relationship with her mother, who was often moody and unpredictable. At her best, Courtney’s mother was nurturing and supportive, but at her worst, she could be harsh and critical. Courtney internalized the belief that her mother’s unkindness was a reflection of her own shortcomings. A deeper investigation into her mother’s history revealed that her mother had always struggled in relationships. This understanding brought Courtney relief, offering her a new perspective as she prepared for Mother’s Day and aimed for more authentic communication with her aging mother.

My inner dialogue may echo this sentiment, ‘I love my mum YET I’m really frustrated with her right now.’

As a psychotherapist specializing in emotions, trauma, and interpersonal relationships, I have seen firsthand the intricate feelings surrounding family ties. My past approach to conflict was somewhat limited to blaming either my mother for her perceived shortcomings or myself for not being a better daughter. I have since embraced a more nuanced understanding, which paves the way for curiosity about my mother’s experiences and fosters a deeper comprehension of our complex relationship.

Take a step back, take a break, or even better, let it rest overnight.

To assist Courtney, I shared five strategies for managing her emotions while striving to maintain a genuine connection with her mother. These tips may benefit you as well.

1. Understand that feelings are not inherently good or bad.

Emotions are instinctual responses that reflect our interactions with our surroundings. It’s crucial to acknowledge these feelings without judgment. Instead of chastising yourself, invest your time in considering how best to express these emotions. For Courtney, contemplating a conversation about past grievances caused anxiety. I advised her to recognize this anxiety and practice deep breathing for relaxation. This reaction made sense, given the challenging nature of the conversation she was about to initiate—something new and potentially volatile.

Sad mother and daughter — Recognizing that we can experience conflicting emotions simultaneously is invaluable.

2. Acknowledge the coexistence of opposing feelings.

When my mother annoys me with unsolicited advice, I respect both my frustration and my love for her at that moment. Internally I might recognize: ‘I adore my mum AND I’m really irked by her right now.’ Realizing that it’s possible to experience conflicting emotions simultaneously is a significant lesson. This understanding can help in reducing anxiety. Courtney had to balance her feelings of love for her mother, her anger at her harshness, and her hope for a better relationship.

3. Practice self-compassion, even amid anger.

Anger towards a mother often leads to immediate guilt, with the expectation of exhibiting patience. This can result in feelings of inadequacy as a daughter. I have learned to acknowledge these feelings, but I also consciously pivot towards self-compassion. It’s important to be kind to myself amidst anger, as that emotion can be painful and distressing. Having conflicts with one’s mother is not easy, and it’s possible to cultivate self-compassion while aiming to be more patient. Although it was difficult, Courtney endeavored to extend compassion towards herself amidst her frustrations.

4. Resist the urge to assign blame.

Instead, focus on addressing your own emotions. Recognize feelings of sadness, anger, fear, and pain. Accept the realities of the past and present. Understand that miscommunications between mothers and daughters are normal, and work towards mutual understanding.

Mother and daughter hugging — After emotions have settled, returning to a discussion can lead to better understanding.

5. Aim to mend rifts, but only once emotions have cooled.

Engaging in emotionally charged discussions often leads to unproductive outcomes. It’s crucial to step away, take time to reflect, or perhaps sleep on it. When you’re ready, revisit the conversation with your mother. Check if she is open to improving communication. If so, go back to the beginning of the disagreement and explore where misunderstandings may have arisen. If she is unwilling to collaborate, it’s essential to acknowledge your feelings of sadness over that loss.

Mother-daughter dynamics can evolve significantly throughout life. Many of my clients experienced harsh treatment from their mothers in childhood but later observed positive changes over time. This shifting dynamic can be challenging to process. Our brains may struggle to adapt to a new reality, especially when past emotions linger unresolved. Authenticity and voicing your true feelings are integral for strengthening relationships. This Mother’s Day, consider being brave enough to express something heartfelt to your mother. If she listens, it can be incredibly validating. If she doesn’t, remember, you’ve already navigated your childhood and you can handle the truth. Embracing reality and nurturing your feelings is the best way to be your own loving mother this Mother’s Day and beyond. This self-love is a relationship that can support you endlessly.

Hilary Jacobs Hendel is a licensed psychoanalyst as well as an AEDP psychotherapist and supervisor situated in New York City. Her writings have appeared in The New York Times and various professional journals. Additionally, she served as a mental health consultant for the acclaimed television series Mad Men.

For further insights on navigating the emotional complexities in challenging relationships, explore her book: It’s Not Always Depression: A New Theory of Listening to Your Body, Discovering Core Emotions, and Reconnecting with Your Authentic Self.

Enjoyed this article? Subscribe to our newsletter for more content delivered directly to your inbox.