Fostering Resilience

Parents, do you find that days—or even hours—can go by without encountering a tantrum or a raised voice at home? Does the weight of parenting feel overwhelming? Is your family struggling to handle these challenges?

To gain insights on nurturing resilient children, I spoke with four Canadian parenting specialists: Dr. Deborah MacNamara, a developmental psychologist and faculty member at the Neufeld Institute, as well as the author of *Rest, Play, Grow: Making Sense of Preschoolers (Or Anyone Who Acts Like One)* (Aona Books, 2016); Sarah Rosensweet, a coaching expert in peaceful parenting; Bridgett Miller, an authority on conscious parenting; and Brian Russell, the provincial coordinator for Dad Central Ontario.

Resilience in Children

In addition to academics and physical skills, it is essential for our children to develop ways to cope with life’s pressures. Bridgett Miller points out, “Resilience empowers children to recover from challenges in a world teeming with setbacks and difficulties. While we can’t create a perfect environment, we can guide our kids in adapting to circumstances beyond their control.”

Welcoming Emotions

A vital aspect of fostering resilience is to embrace the entire spectrum of children’s emotions. Sarah Rosensweet explains, “By providing a tranquil and supportive presence, parents teach their kids that feelings aren’t crises and that they can navigate through difficult situations.”

The Importance of Play

Deborah MacNamara states, “Play acts as the opener to life, allowing children to test problem-solving skills without the fear of failure, giving them the chance to master abilities without the burden of performance.” She emphasizes that through play, children can experiment, confront, and accept what works, what doesn’t, and what shouldn’t.

Establishing Routines for Resilience

As Rosensweet notes, “If you’re needing to awaken your children in the morning, it’s an indication they’re not obtaining sufficient sleep!”

According to MacNamara, rest is vital for both emotional and physical growth, and she adds that “for young children, a good night’s sleep represents the most significant separation they face, often the hardest part of their day.”

For children to have restorative sleep, MacNamara suggests that parents create a relaxing environment at night. Activities such as expressing emotions, reading bedtime stories, and following consistent routines can reinforce children’s sense of connection before they go to sleep.

Nourishing Children

It’s well-established that proper nutrition is vital for the overall health and development of both parents and children. Miller explains, “When children are ‘hangry’, they struggle to manage frustration effectively, leading to undesirable behavior.”

She recommends ensuring that children receive regular meals and healthy snacks to avoid overwhelming them with hunger-driven emotions. If parents face challenges around picky eating or power struggles, Rosensweet advises that parents determine what and when children eat, while children should decide whether and how much they consume.

Cultivating Routines

Miller highlights the importance of routines, stating, “Consistent routines create a framework for how the day progresses, allowing children to anticipate what is coming next. This reduces the need for constant direction from parents and lessens the frustration surrounding daily tasks, such as brushing teeth, bathing, or bedtime preparations.”

Establishing Healthy Boundaries

Rosensweet emphasizes that “children need to feel secure knowing that their parents oversee health, safety, boundaries, and wise decision-making.” It’s essential to remain adaptable, consider children’s preferences, and allow them to make appropriate choices.

However, avoiding limits merely to avert frustration doesn’t instill confidence in a child’s safety under parental care, which can lead to anxiety or demanding behavior.

Understanding Limits

MacNamara notes, “Kids will inevitably encounter situations where they desire something they can’t have, whether it’s another cookie or extended playtime. As they mature, this may include requests for increased screen time or sleepovers.”

By accepting unchangeable situations, children learn to shift their focus and recognize their ability to cope when things don’t go as planned. Having the security of our guidance allows them the freedom to play and grow.

Essential “No’s”

Brian Russell stresses that “children must have consistent and firm boundaries accompanied by clear outcomes.” When parents cave to their demands and complaints, it undermines their long-term trust and confidence in parental guidance on more serious matters. The aim of parenting is to cultivate trust, enabling effective communication regarding their choices and lives.

Recognizing Upset

Miller advises that “once parents recognize that it’s typical for children to express discontent over denials, we begin to nurture resilience and guide them to voice their frustrations constructively. Valuing healthy expressions of feelings naturally fosters resilience development.”

Safe Space for Emotions

Creating a safe environment for children at home is essential for expressing their feelings instead of being told to “toughen up.” Miller emphasizes, “By fostering a space conducive to tears and emotional expression, parents enable their children’s emotional systems to process mistakes and failures effectively. Encourage imaginative play, creativity, and music at home—these modalities help children deal with concerns and anxieties.”

Building Relationships for Resilience

“Our primary focus should always be on nurturing connections with our children,” states Miller. MacNamara adds, “Strong bonds and compassionate hearts are fundamental to healthy development.”

Top Five Tips from Parenting Experts

Insights from Sarah Rosensweet:

1. Prioritize empathy at all times.
2. Encourage all emotional expressions.
3. Find joy in your child’s company.
4. Protect daily one-on-one moments with each child, even if just for 15 minutes.
5. Engage in playful roughhousing to strengthen bonds and enhance both physical and emotional wellness.

Advice from Deborah MacNamara:

1. Take charge of maintaining your relationship with your child.
2. Understand that young children’s brains lack impulse control.
3. Uphold family traditions, rituals, and boundaries to strengthen family bonds and protect children from impulsive reactions.
4. Encourage children to navigate their emotions.
5. Utilize play as a valuable medium for expressing and processing intense feelings.

Insights from Bridgett Miller:

1. Avoid taking your child’s words or actions personally.
2. Embrace their tears; they signify growth.
3. Refrain from imparting lessons during moments of frustration.
4. Don’t hesitate to comfort your upset child.
5. After they’ve calmed down, discuss what went wrong for them.

Thoughts from Brian Russell:

1. Be mindful of your child’s development and respond to their needs effectively.
2. Engage in activities that matter to them while enjoying the moment together!
3. Communicate clearly and effectively.
4. Expose them to the wider world by involving them in your own experiences.
5. Remember to care for your own well-being.